It is a pleasant dusk:
the sun has started snuggling into his bed of clouds as the earth is painted a
dull and peaceful orange. I get down from my office bus and walk slowly towards
my area's goddess Durga temple. I come here when I feel low and hopeless -
today is no different; my issues have been pressing me since a week and the
stress has reached the acumen today. I remove my pink floral slipper in the footwear
area right next to an old beggar woman. She looks at my slippers and then at my
face and immediately her hands come together for alms. Only her hands are
asking for alms, not her eyes: she is looking at me expressionless. What is
going on in her mind? She couldn't have been a beggar from birth; did she have
a life of happiness and prosperity? Is she married? Does she have children? Why
is she looking at me without a wink? Do I remind her of someone she loves or
someone she hates? I cannot say.
I open my purse to look for money: there is a 10Rs note and three 100Rs notes. I search the purse again - nothing else. I have to give my pending due of 250Rs to the auto guy and I need the remaining amount for medicines. That leaves me with only 10Rs. I wanted to buy flowers as an offering for god. I take out the 10Rs and look at god: god is dressed in a green silk saree with a broad golden border; a necklace, a long chain, two bangles, a pair of green stone earrings and a lot of garlands and flowers. I look at her: her saree is torn in a lot of places and her hair is like a bush. I cannot say if she is fair or dark as she is covered from head to foot with layers and layers of dirt; looks like she has not bathed or even washed her face for eons. Her cheek is pulled inward into her mouth as though it had offered itself for the teeth which had nothing else to chew; her skin is wrinkled like a rotten tomato and her eyes are but a thin line. I place the 10Rs in her hand. She says: "God Bless you!" I walk into the temple.
I open my purse to look for money: there is a 10Rs note and three 100Rs notes. I search the purse again - nothing else. I have to give my pending due of 250Rs to the auto guy and I need the remaining amount for medicines. That leaves me with only 10Rs. I wanted to buy flowers as an offering for god. I take out the 10Rs and look at god: god is dressed in a green silk saree with a broad golden border; a necklace, a long chain, two bangles, a pair of green stone earrings and a lot of garlands and flowers. I look at her: her saree is torn in a lot of places and her hair is like a bush. I cannot say if she is fair or dark as she is covered from head to foot with layers and layers of dirt; looks like she has not bathed or even washed her face for eons. Her cheek is pulled inward into her mouth as though it had offered itself for the teeth which had nothing else to chew; her skin is wrinkled like a rotten tomato and her eyes are but a thin line. I place the 10Rs in her hand. She says: "God Bless you!" I walk into the temple.
I stand in the
sanidhanam and look at god; I remember why I’m here: the question ‘How will I manage tomorrow?’ comes back to my head. I cannot concentrate, cannot pray; I
walk over to a corner of the temple and sit down. As I make myself comfortable
on the cold floor, I see a girl entering the temple. She is wearing a neatly
embroidered navy blue top with pure white Punjabi pant and shawl. I cannot say
she is good looking but she is beautiful: something in her makes her look very
attractive – couldn't put my finger on it. She walks over to the sanidhanam.
From where I am sitting, I can see her left side. Her hands come together as if
in prayer, but she is not praying; she is looking at god pleadingly,
questioningly; and then she starts crying. The quiet tears then slowly turn into
soft sobs. Ten minutes must have gone – she wipes her tears and walks out
unceremoniously. So much for all this crying, I think. After 5 minutes she walks
in again, hands full of garlands. She hands it over to the priest and watches
beamingly as he puts one garland each on all the gods in the temple (Must have
cost her a good sum!).
What makes people
think god exists?! I have not seen god, no one I ever know has seen god and
there is no proof that god exists. But there are temples all over and so many
religions! There are some people who are ‘God fanatics’, some are total
believers, some are cat on the wall (like ME!) and some are total
non-believers. Which of these categories is the right one? I don’t know the
answer, atleast not yet. For me, God is an object of faith; I heard someone say
that ‘Faith is a blessing!’ True, the idea of god helps me have faith on my
faith, helps me keep my ego and pride in check, encourages me to help others,
soothes me that people who wrong me will face the consequences someday, promises
me of the things I deserve and when I can do nothing about things happening
around me, faith gives me the solace and the strength to go on. I look at god once more
and walk out. Tomorrow, I’ll fight it out, endure the things that I cannot
change with realization, help others as much as I can, talk to people with
kindness, and love myself for all that I am and all that I am not.J
Thanks for reading J
God Bless You!
